Thats all im going to tell you about. I could go into when I went home and how I got ill, but I don’t feel like it. People keep asking me if im going to apply myself when I go back to school, especially this one psychoanalyst. But how do I know what I going to do until I actually do it.
D.B. isn’t as bad as the rest though. He asked me what I think about it all, about what I just told you. And the truth is, I don’t know what I think about it. Im sorry i told so many people about it. Now I sort of miss the people I told. Even old Stradlater and Ackley, I think I even miss that goddam Maurice. Its funny.
Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.
Monday, 29 October 2007
Chapter 25
I didn’t no where to go when I left. I went down to Grand Central Station and spent the night on a bench. I didn’t sleep too hot because a million people kept coming in and out of the waiting room. I had a headache. I was really depressed and I think I was more depressed than I ever was in my whole life.
I thought I would take a walk down Fifth Avenue. All the stores were open so it wouldn’t be too bad. It looked all Christmassy. I wished old Phoebe was there, she really enjoys it. The Christmas before last I took her down to Bloomingdales with me. It was great, we had a helluva time.
I carried on walking all the way down and all of a sudden something spook happened to me. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped of the goddam curb, I had this feeling that I’d never get to the other side of the street. I thought I’d just go down, down, down, and nobody’d ever seen me again. I started begging Allie to help me to the other side of the street, I was shouting “Please Allie please! Don’t let me disappear.”
I decided I would leave New York forever. Start hitchhiking out West where it was very pretty and sunny an nobody would no me. I figured I could get a job at a filling station. I could pretend to be one of those deaf mutes. And if people wanted to speak to me, they would have to write it down on a piece of paper for me to read. I would marry another mute.
I got excited as hell about it all, but I would have to tell Phoebe. So I went to her school and wrote her a note for the teacher to give her, telling her to meet me at the Museum of Art so I could give her the money back that she lent me. I knew where her school was because I went there myself when I was young. I looked round I saw that some cold hearted bastard has wrote “Fuck you” on the walls in the school. It drove me crazy how Phoebe and all the other children would have to see that and wonder what the hell it meant.
I walked over to the Museum. I thought I might stop and give Jane a buzz before I started bumming my way west, but I wasn’t in the mood. I showed these two little kids around the mummies exhibition while I was waiting. When came out I had to go to the bathroom because I had diarrhoea. On the way out I sort of passed out, I was lucky really because I could have killed myself when I hit the floor.
Finally Phoebe arrived, I knew it was her because she had my hunting hat on. She had my old suitcase with her, I told her I wasn’t taking anything with me, but she told me it was for her. She begged me and begged me to let her come with me. I told her there was no way. She started getting really annoyed with me.
I told her I changed my mind about going and that I would stick around, I said I’d take her back to school but she wouldn’t go. She said she would go back to school the next day if I let her stay with me the rest of the afternoon so we went to the zoo.
We walked down to the zoo on opposite sides of the road because phoebe was still sulking. When we got to the zoo I shouted to her that I was going in. I started walking down the steps and I looked back and she was following me. She wasn’t talking to me, but was stood with me. We looked at a few animals then we came to the carousel. Old Phoebe loved them. It was playing “Oh, Marie.” I gave her some money to go on. She wanted me to go with her but I didn’t.
I sat down a bench and watched her go round and round. When she got off she came over to me and asked me to go on. She said she wasn’t mad at me anymore. I still didn’t ride it, but I gave her some more money so she could go again.
It started to rain like a bastard. Everybody rushed under the roof of the carousel, but not me. I stuck around on the bench for a while. I got soaking wet. I had my hunting hat on, but I got soaked anyway. All of a sudden I started to feel really happy, the way old Phoebe kept going round and round. I was nearly bawling I was so goddam happy. God, I wish you could’ve been there.
I thought I would take a walk down Fifth Avenue. All the stores were open so it wouldn’t be too bad. It looked all Christmassy. I wished old Phoebe was there, she really enjoys it. The Christmas before last I took her down to Bloomingdales with me. It was great, we had a helluva time.
I carried on walking all the way down and all of a sudden something spook happened to me. Every time I came to the end of a block and stepped of the goddam curb, I had this feeling that I’d never get to the other side of the street. I thought I’d just go down, down, down, and nobody’d ever seen me again. I started begging Allie to help me to the other side of the street, I was shouting “Please Allie please! Don’t let me disappear.”
I decided I would leave New York forever. Start hitchhiking out West where it was very pretty and sunny an nobody would no me. I figured I could get a job at a filling station. I could pretend to be one of those deaf mutes. And if people wanted to speak to me, they would have to write it down on a piece of paper for me to read. I would marry another mute.
I got excited as hell about it all, but I would have to tell Phoebe. So I went to her school and wrote her a note for the teacher to give her, telling her to meet me at the Museum of Art so I could give her the money back that she lent me. I knew where her school was because I went there myself when I was young. I looked round I saw that some cold hearted bastard has wrote “Fuck you” on the walls in the school. It drove me crazy how Phoebe and all the other children would have to see that and wonder what the hell it meant.
I walked over to the Museum. I thought I might stop and give Jane a buzz before I started bumming my way west, but I wasn’t in the mood. I showed these two little kids around the mummies exhibition while I was waiting. When came out I had to go to the bathroom because I had diarrhoea. On the way out I sort of passed out, I was lucky really because I could have killed myself when I hit the floor.
Finally Phoebe arrived, I knew it was her because she had my hunting hat on. She had my old suitcase with her, I told her I wasn’t taking anything with me, but she told me it was for her. She begged me and begged me to let her come with me. I told her there was no way. She started getting really annoyed with me.
I told her I changed my mind about going and that I would stick around, I said I’d take her back to school but she wouldn’t go. She said she would go back to school the next day if I let her stay with me the rest of the afternoon so we went to the zoo.
We walked down to the zoo on opposite sides of the road because phoebe was still sulking. When we got to the zoo I shouted to her that I was going in. I started walking down the steps and I looked back and she was following me. She wasn’t talking to me, but was stood with me. We looked at a few animals then we came to the carousel. Old Phoebe loved them. It was playing “Oh, Marie.” I gave her some money to go on. She wanted me to go with her but I didn’t.
I sat down a bench and watched her go round and round. When she got off she came over to me and asked me to go on. She said she wasn’t mad at me anymore. I still didn’t ride it, but I gave her some more money so she could go again.
It started to rain like a bastard. Everybody rushed under the roof of the carousel, but not me. I stuck around on the bench for a while. I got soaking wet. I had my hunting hat on, but I got soaked anyway. All of a sudden I started to feel really happy, the way old Phoebe kept going round and round. I was nearly bawling I was so goddam happy. God, I wish you could’ve been there.
Chapter 24
When I got to Mr Antolinis he was surprised that it was just me at the door. I think they musta had a dinner party that night or something because there were highballs everywhere. They’re real big entertainers. I could tell he was drunk, he’s quite a heavy drinker these days, he’ll end up an alcoholic if he doesn’t watch his step. He asked about Pencey. He was most interested in my English, understandably. I told him I passed, but that I failed in Oral Expression, that stuff drove me crazy.
His wife came in with coffee for me. Then Mr Antolini started to get all serious. He said he was really worried about me. He said “This fall I think you’re riding for – it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind.” I had no idea what he was going on about at first. I think what he was trying to get across was I shouldn’t give everything up before my life even starts, I mean after all I’m only 16. I like the way Mr Antolini understands me like nobody does, he tells me what to do, without actually telling me what to do. Not like my father, or old Phoeb or D.B.
He went over to his desk on the other side of the room. He wanted me to remember something, so he wrote it on a piece of paper. It said “The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one”. I thanked him and put it in my pocket.
I was getting really tired but Mr Antolini wasn’t, probably because he was so oiled up. I could hardly even concentrate anymore and I yawned, I know it’s rude and all but I couldn’t help it. He carried on talking on and on about how I should apply myself at the next school I go to, I really didn’t want to listen so I sort of tuned off. After a while of me not saying anything Mr Antolini went and got some sheets and blankets to make a bed for me. We made the bed and I went to sleep.
Then all of a sudden I woke up and I could feel something on my head, a guy’s hand. It scared the hell outta me. Mr Antolini was sat on the floor right next to the couch, and he was sort of patting me on the goddam head. I jumped about a thousand feet. I got so nervous and I had to get away, I mean what the hell was he doing. So I told him I was going to get my bags from the station and that I would go right back, he said my bags would be fine and that I should stay. I didn’t though. When something perverty like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff’s happened to me about twenty times since I was a kid.
His wife came in with coffee for me. Then Mr Antolini started to get all serious. He said he was really worried about me. He said “This fall I think you’re riding for – it’s a special kind of fall, a horrible kind.” I had no idea what he was going on about at first. I think what he was trying to get across was I shouldn’t give everything up before my life even starts, I mean after all I’m only 16. I like the way Mr Antolini understands me like nobody does, he tells me what to do, without actually telling me what to do. Not like my father, or old Phoeb or D.B.
He went over to his desk on the other side of the room. He wanted me to remember something, so he wrote it on a piece of paper. It said “The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one”. I thanked him and put it in my pocket.
I was getting really tired but Mr Antolini wasn’t, probably because he was so oiled up. I could hardly even concentrate anymore and I yawned, I know it’s rude and all but I couldn’t help it. He carried on talking on and on about how I should apply myself at the next school I go to, I really didn’t want to listen so I sort of tuned off. After a while of me not saying anything Mr Antolini went and got some sheets and blankets to make a bed for me. We made the bed and I went to sleep.
Then all of a sudden I woke up and I could feel something on my head, a guy’s hand. It scared the hell outta me. Mr Antolini was sat on the floor right next to the couch, and he was sort of patting me on the goddam head. I jumped about a thousand feet. I got so nervous and I had to get away, I mean what the hell was he doing. So I told him I was going to get my bags from the station and that I would go right back, he said my bags would be fine and that I should stay. I didn’t though. When something perverty like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff’s happened to me about twenty times since I was a kid.
Saturday, 13 October 2007
Chapter 23
I told him that I’d flunked out of Pencey. He said I could go over if I felt like it. He was the one that finally picked up that boy, James Castle, who jumped out of the window. Anyway I went back into D.B’s room, Phoebe had the radio on. I asked her to dance. She was a great dancer, not like your usually kid who dances lousy. We danced to a few numbers and then Phoebe heard the front door. I hid in the closet. When mum came in to see her she could smell the smoke, she asked Phoebe about it and she said she’d just tried it because she couldn’t sleep. Mum didn’t mind too much though.
When mum had gone I came back out. I asked Phoebe if she had any dough to lend me, I was getting really low on money. She said I could have her Christmas money, I felt so horrible taking it. After a short argument I took the dough, but I started to cry when I took it, I felt sad as hell all of a sudden, and I couldn’t stop.
I buttoned up my coat and said bye to Phoebe. I gave her my red hunting hat; she likes those crazy sorts of hats. I told her I’d give her a buzz if I got a chance.
It was easier getting in than out. Probably because I didn’t really care much if mum or dad saw me. I really didn’t. I almost wished they did catch me.
When mum had gone I came back out. I asked Phoebe if she had any dough to lend me, I was getting really low on money. She said I could have her Christmas money, I felt so horrible taking it. After a short argument I took the dough, but I started to cry when I took it, I felt sad as hell all of a sudden, and I couldn’t stop.
I buttoned up my coat and said bye to Phoebe. I gave her my red hunting hat; she likes those crazy sorts of hats. I told her I’d give her a buzz if I got a chance.
It was easier getting in than out. Probably because I didn’t really care much if mum or dad saw me. I really didn’t. I almost wished they did catch me.
Chapter 22
Phoebe still wouldn’t look at me, she was mad because I got kicked out at Pencey. I started to explain why I had been kicked out and why I was failing in all my subjects. She said it was because I hate everything. She told me to name one thing that I do like. I couldn’t concentrate though, all kept thinking about was the nuns I had seen at breakfast, and a boy at Elkton Hills called James Castle. He jumped out of the window because some phonies were forcing him to take back something he had said and he wouldn’t, so they did something terrible to him, it was so bad that he jumped out of the window.
I told Phoebe that I liked Allie. She reminded me that he was dead though, and she really started to get sore about it. I said just because someone’s dead doesn’t mean you stop liking them. Phoebe then started to talk about what I want to do with my life. I asked her if she knew the song ‘If a body catch a body comin’ through the rye’. She corrected me and told me that it was ‘If a body meet a body’, a poem by Robert Burns. I kept picturing little kids playing a game in a big field. Thousands of kids, and nobody else around except me, and my job is to save them all from falling of the edge of the cliff. That’s all I’d do all day, save the kids. I know its crazy, but it’s what I’d really like to be.
Phoebe didn’t say anything for a while and then when she did it was “Daddy’s going to kill you”. I told her I didn’t give a damn, and I really didn’t anymore. I got up to make a phone call to Mr Antolini, my English teacher at Elkton Hills.
I told Phoebe that I liked Allie. She reminded me that he was dead though, and she really started to get sore about it. I said just because someone’s dead doesn’t mean you stop liking them. Phoebe then started to talk about what I want to do with my life. I asked her if she knew the song ‘If a body catch a body comin’ through the rye’. She corrected me and told me that it was ‘If a body meet a body’, a poem by Robert Burns. I kept picturing little kids playing a game in a big field. Thousands of kids, and nobody else around except me, and my job is to save them all from falling of the edge of the cliff. That’s all I’d do all day, save the kids. I know its crazy, but it’s what I’d really like to be.
Phoebe didn’t say anything for a while and then when she did it was “Daddy’s going to kill you”. I told her I didn’t give a damn, and I really didn’t anymore. I got up to make a phone call to Mr Antolini, my English teacher at Elkton Hills.
Chapter 21
I got to the elevator; there was a new operator who I didn’t know. I convinced him I was visiting the Dicksteins, who lived across the corridor to us. When I got to our place it was dark as hell, and I couldn’t turn any light on. I had to be careful not to make a noise. Phoebe wasn’t in her room,she likes to stay in D.Bs room when he was away in Hollywood, ‘cause its bigger than hers. She was fast asleep in his bed; kids always look nice when they’re sleeping.
Anyway, I woke her up and she was very pleased to see me. We started chewing the fat for a bit. I gave her the pieces of that record I bought for her. She kept them; she’s not ungrateful at all, she put them in he drawer and said she was going to keep them. She’s not a stupid kid old Phoebe and she knew I was home early. I told her they let us out early, but she wasn’t buying it. She kept saying daddy was going to kill me.
I got up, went to the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket. I was all out.
Anyway, I woke her up and she was very pleased to see me. We started chewing the fat for a bit. I gave her the pieces of that record I bought for her. She kept them; she’s not ungrateful at all, she put them in he drawer and said she was going to keep them. She’s not a stupid kid old Phoebe and she knew I was home early. I told her they let us out early, but she wasn’t buying it. She kept saying daddy was going to kill me.
I got up, went to the living room and got some cigarettes out of the box on the table and stuck some in my pocket. I was all out.
Chapter 20
I stayed in the bar after Carl left and got drunk. I sat there till about one, getting drunk as a bastard. I pretended to be in the movies with a bullet in my guts again. I stumbled over to a phone booth. I thought I would give Jane a buzz, but by the time I got there I didn’t feel like ringing her. So what I did was, I gave old Sally Hayes a buzz. I was too drunk to have a good conversation though. After a bit we both hung up and I stayed in the booth for a while, I wasn’t feeling too good.
I thought I’d walk to the duck pond in Central Park to see what the hell the ducks were up to. I got to the park and dropped Phoebe’s record, it broke into about 50 pieces. I damn near cried, it made me feel so terrible. I picked up the pieces and put them in my pocket. They weren’t any use but I didn’t want to just leave them.
When I finally found the lagoon there were no ducks in sight. I was shivering like hell and I had little chunks of ice on the back of my head. I thought I might get pneumonia and die. I started to imagine the mob that would come to my funeral if I did die. It’d be just like Allies funeral with all the phoney aunts and uncles. I wasn’t at Allies funeral though; I was still at the hospital because of my hand. If I died, Allie wouldn’t be at my funeral either. I used to go and put flowers down for Allie with my parents. It wasn’t too bad when the weather was nice but when it rained everyone would rush to their cars and put on the heater to got somewhere nice for dinner. Allie would still be there in the rain though.
I wanted to speak to Phoebe, so I decided to go home. My parents would be asleep so I could sneak in and out without them knowing. I walked all the way home. It wasn’t too far and I wasn’t that tired or even drunk anymore. It was just very cold and nobody around anywhere.
I thought I’d walk to the duck pond in Central Park to see what the hell the ducks were up to. I got to the park and dropped Phoebe’s record, it broke into about 50 pieces. I damn near cried, it made me feel so terrible. I picked up the pieces and put them in my pocket. They weren’t any use but I didn’t want to just leave them.
When I finally found the lagoon there were no ducks in sight. I was shivering like hell and I had little chunks of ice on the back of my head. I thought I might get pneumonia and die. I started to imagine the mob that would come to my funeral if I did die. It’d be just like Allies funeral with all the phoney aunts and uncles. I wasn’t at Allies funeral though; I was still at the hospital because of my hand. If I died, Allie wouldn’t be at my funeral either. I used to go and put flowers down for Allie with my parents. It wasn’t too bad when the weather was nice but when it rained everyone would rush to their cars and put on the heater to got somewhere nice for dinner. Allie would still be there in the rain though.
I wanted to speak to Phoebe, so I decided to go home. My parents would be asleep so I could sneak in and out without them knowing. I walked all the way home. It wasn’t too far and I wasn’t that tired or even drunk anymore. It was just very cold and nobody around anywhere.
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